Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry


I am supposed to have today off. However, since my reasoning for having this day off is no longer in existence I have agreed to work. I see that I am offering to work a lot more to keep myself distracted from all that is going on. Going to work I have to make sure to focus on work and not let myself think about my personal problems. The only thing I hate is when people ask me what is wrong and all I can really say is "Nothing I'm fine" Then they push and pry to the point that I get angry. I will talk about it when I want to talk about it. But, right now I just wanna live and try to move forward. I want to be happy go lucky, but there is to much to deal with to even consider being happy at this point in my life. Distracting myself from thinking about it is only a temporary fix. Cutting is only a temporary fix. I have thought about the ultimate ending of the pain, but realize that it is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem" But how can people tell me everything will be okay when I already feel dead. I am working like a zombie and just rolling through the motions everyday . Right now I feel like I am in a bad dream to which there will probably be no awakening from. I am trapped in this fearful place. He made me strong and he was my rock. Now he is gone and I am slowly sinking into the quicksand. People can call me stupid, but in all honesty they are the stupid ones. You don't sit there and tell someone you consider a friend to just move and quit being depressed when they have lost the person they love. That is not what you do. You are supposed to be there and comfort them. NOT call them stupid!! So these little distractions I have found are what's keeping me from going to the place of no return. There will never be a day I won't think of the man who is my soul-mate. Life's a bitch and I have to live with my mistakes and pay for my actions. I have apologized profusely. But why would he forgive me if  I continue to over react to situations. I over react to these situations because the pain is too much. I do the things I do because I want him to feel even a glimpse of what I feel and what I am going through. So now I am going to get up and go to this distraction. 




Latest Month

September 2010
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Gilbert Rizo