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So this is my first entry here. I made this to just vent. I had a boyfriend named Eric Murphy. We were so happy together until his ex came back in his life. He started seeing him again and things went bad. I had a feeling they were seeing each other again, but could not prove. Then the day before my birthday the asshole broke up with me. I was so hurt and confused and angry. I loved him so much and still do. I wanted to ask him to marry me in October and instead I'm sitting here telling him I hope he is happy with this guy and that he deserves the world. He has put me through so much pain and heartache yet I still can not stop loving him. My friends tell me I'm stupid for even thinking about him anymore, but I cannot help it. I believe even now that he is my soul mate. It hurts so much that it is ripping me apart, but I am trying to stay strong and move on even though I can not seem to stop thinking about him. I still cry and still dream about him. It is hard to fall in love with someone so deeply and to know they hate you and want nothing to do with you. I am just not sure what to do anymore. He was the closest person in my life and he hates me. I know I have done alot of things and said alot of things and I wish I could take it all back. I would give my life to have just one hour to be with him and feel the love we used to have.  There is so many things I miss. Playing disc golf, watching Grey's Anatomy, visiting his parents and just spending time with him. I used to smile when he would call, text or see him even if I was having the worst day. He always made everything so much better. He was my rock and my heart and soul. Now I have to live with the fact that he all those to the one person who kept driving him to drink and become an alcoholic and now he is back to all that. I kills me that he is letting this happen to him. He is such an amazing man and does not this. His heart is so good and pure. Even though people say he is worthless and not worth the gum on my shoes, I don't think that. I believe he is still the man I fell in love with and still in love with. I will always be here for him no matter what happens. My love for him is stronger than any weapon man could possibly make. I would give my life if it meant that he would be alive and happy. There are times when something happens that all I can do is think of him and how much I miss him. Crying is the only release I have from all the pain and suffering I am enduring. Even writing about all of it is helping very little. I just want to get it all out. I know he will never read this and thats a good thing. He will just say I am obsessed and pathetic. Truth is I am so madly in love with him that I cant even breath without him being in my thoughts. How can I live if living is without him? How can I breath? How can I do anything? I love him and that will never change no matter what he says and/or does. His life and happiness is the only thing that matters. I know that sounds stupid, but to me it is true. 



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September 2010
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