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9-5-10

It's 1:05 in the morning. I just got home from doing a karaoke show with Dani. We were in Riverside at Murphy's. I had a good time and I am so glad that I saw Vikki, Stephanie, her bf and Eric Peter. I had a good night. I was singing and sang some song that I had to fight back tears on. However, I refused to cry. Eric always told me that it was not good for a host to cry at a show. No matter what was going on you have keep going and be sociable and happy. I was. Even when I sang "Good Morning Beautiful" by Steve Holy and "Do I" by Luke Bryan. It was hard, but I sang them anyways. Oh an Stephanie got me on video singing "Do I". I could not believe she did that! Oh well as long as it doesnt end up on youtube or something then I'm cool with it. I is actually now Stephanie's bday which is why she came out and spent some time with me and we had a good time. Dani is a great person and a wonderful friend. On the way home we talked and it helped. It is always good to actually speak to someone about things. I don't really have close people that I can talk to about things and not feel like they are judging me. However, Dani is one of those very special people that you can just voice anything and she will state her opinion and leave it at that. She is a great person and I am so glad I can call her my friend. Anyways I think it is time for some Z's. Night night world 

Forgiveness

 for give ness   -noun

Forgiveness is the act of forgiving or state of being forgiven.

Many people hold grudges and hate people. Well there is thing called forgiveness that is a powerful word. It means that no matter what someone has done or said you are willing to forget it and let that person back in your life. I have forgiven many people in my life time. I even forgave my biological father for everything he ever did to me. I have forgiven my mother for a lot of things and we are still close. I keep forgiving people for everything they have done to me and will continue to do it. Forgiveness is not easy to do, but it helps one continue with no guilt of anything. It takes a lot to forgive someone for anything. It makes the person strong. There is an old saying that there is a "fine line between love and hate." I believe that there is a valley between the two. And the bridge that connects the two is FORGIVENESS. Can you imagine a world where there was no such thing as forgiveness? This world would be in turmoil. There would not be a happy person in the world. Everyone would be miserable. There would be no such thing as love, hope or even happiness. People take advantage of forgiveness by denying it to people that are trying to make things better. I write this because I am in the position where someone is not forgiving me and it feels horrible. Time and time again I apologize and time and time again I somehow make it worse without trying and letting my emotions get the best of me. I wish I had discovered this site a lot sooner!! This site has helped me so much it is unbelievable. I wish he could forgive me, but know that it will take time and he might never truly forgive me. I have fucked up and continue to fuck up. However, when he fucks up I will always forgive him and will always be there for him. I will never leave. I am not saying that in a stalkerish way. I am saying in the sense that I will never let him fall. I will always be a "guardian angel" to him. Life is funny how things happen and people just want to forget the person and never speak to them again. Do they ever think that everything that had happened had been in the heat of the moment? Or that the person just wasnt sure how to react and anger seemed to just take over? There are reason why anger is the easiest emotion to have than any other. We want to hurt the people who hurt us or anger us in some way. There is never a good excuse for how we act sometimes, but there is always the time to ask for forgiveness and try to work things out. Nothing is so bad you would want to ruin someone's happiness over anything. So when you find yourself angry and unwilling to forgive just think about how you would feel if the tables were turned and it was you on the end of not receiving forgiveness when you were trying all you could to get it.

Brandon

 Ok so Eric's boyfriend's name is Brandon. People are saying that I am saying a bunch of shit about him. I am not doing it! Brandon is the person that makes Eric happy!! All I want is for Eric to be happy. I love him. The funny thing is that I was gonna offer to take Eric AND Brandon out to dinner and try to be friends on Wednesday when I get paid and even PAY FOR IT!! I want to be a part of Eric's life. And if that means being Brandon's friend I want to do that. I DO NOT want to lose Eric. All I want for him is happiness. Whether it be with me or with another person as long as he is happy I will be too. Brandon makes him so happy and that makes me happy. It might hurt but time heals all wounds. Anything that Brandon might or might have wrong in his life is his deal and not my place to tell anyone. I would not do that cuz i know it would hurt Eric and I am so tired of doing and saying things to hurt him. I just want to see him happy and smile again. THAT IS ALL THAT I CARE ABOUT!! So as far as Brandon is concerned I would never say or do anything to hurt him in any way cuz that would hurt Eric. I hope soon things turn around and things will be better. Only time will tell.

WTF!?

 Ok so today I sent Eric a birthday text telling him "I know you dont wanna hear from me but... Happy Birthday and I hope it is the best one yet. May God bring you a long life and happiness." Then he sent me a message with something I did not understand so I called him and he started yelling saying I had made a fake profile on a website and was slandering his boyfriends name. I would never have done that. So we argued and he told me he was going to send people to kick my ass and he hopes I end up in the morgue. I was afraid for my life so I called the cops and they came to my work and talked to me. Needless to say they didnt do a damn thing. I then told security and Eric is now banned from the mall i which I work. It hurts that I had to do that. Then on a cigarette break I made a call to this guy Josh and asked him about the website thing and he said it was him who made it. He said he was trying to get me over Eric and thought if he did that it would piss him off and we would get into it and I would finally be done. Needless to say I chewed his ass out and demanded he tell Eric the truth. He said he didnt want to. I was so angry that he would let this happen and go on!! I wanted to hurt him. So I had to get back into work and I ended the call. I text him while inside begging him to just call Eric and tell him the truth. He never responded. On my next cigarette break I tried calling him again, but he had either in the time span of an hour changed his number or blocked me but I could not get through to him. So I am now dealing with Eric wanting me dead for something I did not do. I have things I could do to make Eric suffer and I said I would do them, but I just cant. I love and care about him too much. God! FML!! Why can't people just be honest to others?! I dont want to hurt Eric anymore!! I fucking love him and no one seems to know that or care!! Did no one read that fucking post I put on here last night?! Do people think I just posted that for fun?! Hell no!! I did it cuz it was to put everything down and realize that this is not just some young puppy love but real love. I just wish people would not use me to get Eric angry cuz it is just making it worse for me.

Distractions

I am supposed to have today off. However, since my reasoning for having this day off is no longer in existence I have agreed to work. I see that I am offering to work a lot more to keep myself distracted from all that is going on. Going to work I have to make sure to focus on work and not let myself think about my personal problems. The only thing I hate is when people ask me what is wrong and all I can really say is "Nothing I'm fine" Then they push and pry to the point that I get angry. I will talk about it when I want to talk about it. But, right now I just wanna live and try to move forward. I want to be happy go lucky, but there is to much to deal with to even consider being happy at this point in my life. Distracting myself from thinking about it is only a temporary fix. Cutting is only a temporary fix. I have thought about the ultimate ending of the pain, but realize that it is "A permanent solution to a temporary problem" But how can people tell me everything will be okay when I already feel dead. I am working like a zombie and just rolling through the motions everyday . Right now I feel like I am in a bad dream to which there will probably be no awakening from. I am trapped in this fearful place. He made me strong and he was my rock. Now he is gone and I am slowly sinking into the quicksand. People can call me stupid, but in all honesty they are the stupid ones. You don't sit there and tell someone you consider a friend to just move and quit being depressed when they have lost the person they love. That is not what you do. You are supposed to be there and comfort them. NOT call them stupid!! So these little distractions I have found are what's keeping me from going to the place of no return. There will never be a day I won't think of the man who is my soul-mate. Life's a bitch and I have to live with my mistakes and pay for my actions. I have apologized profusely. But why would he forgive me if  I continue to over react to situations. I over react to these situations because the pain is too much. I do the things I do because I want him to feel even a glimpse of what I feel and what I am going through. So now I am going to get up and go to this distraction. 

Happy Birthday

Thirty-four years ago Trudy and Gerry Murphy were blessed with the greatest gift of all. The birth of their first born son. They raised this son to be a good boy. They raised the boy to be a great man. Today he is thirty-four. He is an amazing man and I wish I could be by his side to celebrate this day. Unfortunately I can not. I wish him all the best birthday wishes. I hope this is the most amazing birthday he ever has. I hope that he gets everything he could ask for. I also hope God grants you a long healthy and happy life. You deserve it. I regret all the bad things I have dont, but will never regret falling in love with the son of Trudy and Gerry Murphy. So on your birthday here is to you! May you always be honest and true!!

Writer's Block: Bye bye life!

If you could choose the manner in which you would ultimately die, would you? How would you want to depart this world?

Writer's Block: Teacher of the year

Have you ever had a teacher who made a profound difference in your life? How did they influence and/or inspire you?

Addicting

This site is very addicting to me for some reason. It has been very refreshing in the way that I can express myself and not have to worry about a response that I do not wanna hear. Here we are able to express without the fear of being judged and bashed for our opinion. If there is comment we do not agree with or we feel is uncalled for we just simply delete and move to the next comment. This site will be my new best friend as far as venting and talking about things. Simply for the reason that I will be able to do it and not have to worry bout what others think. This is solely for me. Even though people are able to comment on what I write it is still for me and no one is able to tell me I cant say or think like that. Every one person is wired the differently. Everyone one person experiences different things. Every one person responds differently to situations. These are the things that make every person on this planet unique and special. This is the reason no one person should be treated badly. Except for the ones who commit crimes against nature. And no I dont mean as in earth nature. I mean as in human nature. For example killing, rape or something of the like. So this is a great place and I highly recommend it for anyone who needs a place to vent and not worry bout getting judged or afraid of speaking about. Or just to simply write and be heard.

Brown Eyes

Lady Gaga has a song I relate to better than any at this point in my life. It is called brown eyes. In the song she is recalling someone she loved and how she lost him. Mistakes were made and she regrets them. She states that she "guess its just a silly song about you... and how i lost you and your brown eyes".  Well that is relatively close to how I feel bout everything that has between Eric and I. She says she knows it's time to say goodbye and I know that as well. But it does not make it any easier. She touches on that as well in the song. This is one of Gaga's few slow songs she has written and sung. It is weird how when things dont go how you want them and you  think it is the end that you see songs and quotes in a while new light. I believe this is because you are so happy that you never think that could happen to you. Yet, when it does happen you find things that relate to you and your situation that you had before never thought would relate in a million years. For example the song by Rascal Flatts titled "What Hurts the Most" In this song the band expresses how someone lost someone so close to them they wanted it to be over or for it to be like it was before. And people never think they will relate to the song and when something happens that they do relate to it they realize no person is exempt from the pains, hurts and losses of life. But they also get to the point that they realize they are not exempt from the joys, happiness and gains that life will give them. It just takes time and only time can heal wounds. Unfortunately Evanescence has a song titled "My Immortal" in this song Amy is speaking of how she lost the only person she ever loved and how things will never be the same. How that persons presence and essence still lingers. And how it is too much to handle. This song does find its way into some peoples lives. It is the worst feeling to ever have to live with but sometimes it will find its way into our life. There is not one person on this planet that is exempt from the pains and sufferings that this world bring, but in the same essence not one person is exempt from the happiness and joy it can bring.